An American’s Guide to the Eurovision

I’d heard of Eurovision a few times before.

Like when my boyfriend requested “Euphoria” at a birthday party in a nightclub. Don’t understand why that’s embarrassing? Here you go.

But then May 2013 rolled around. And now my life will never be the same.

If you’ve never heard of or seen the Eurovision before, think:

A Europe-only Olympics

Eurovision America not invited GIF

Via http://meangirlgifs.tumblr.com.

+ That part of The Hunger Games where the Tributes are in the Capitol being interviewed on TV


Via mockingjay.net.

+ Actresses that play pop stars in movies

Via collectivelycaitlin.blogspot.com.

Via collectivelycaitlin.blogspot.com.

The people are just as ridicul…I mean, fabulous. The presenting is just as awkward. And the patriotism is just as mind-boggling.

Several months ago, the Irish finals were held, where Ireland picked an act to represent them at the Eurovision. They picked this guy.

This weekend, he’ll compete against acts from all over Europe. Here are a few things you should know before you watch:

1. You don’t know jack s*** about Europe. I’m not transparent enough to admit to you here which countries I didn’t know were countries before yesterday.

Eurovision for Americans

Via tumblr.com.

But don’t be surprised if you find yourself in the same position while watching the semifinals.

2. It’s a popularity contest. The winner of Eurovision is picked via popular vote and a judging panel, however, nobody can vote for his or her home country.

Logically, then, people vote for the countries they like. Cleavage and shirtless dudes also help.

Via tumblr.com.

Via tumblr.com.

3. Eastern Europe is cooler than you thought. According to my housemates, the Eastern European countries are the cheerleaders of Europe. They have so many similar, friendly neighbors. (Hint: The ones I didn’t know were actually countries.)

Isolated islands without friends, like Ireland and the UK, are at a disadvantage. Should’ve rethought all those invasions, huh, Britain?

Don't tell me you're sorry

Via tumblr.com.

But according to The Guardian, the Eastern Europe conspiracy theory isn’t true. (#6 below would also refute the theory.)

4. There are languages you didn’t know existed. A lot of the countries sing in their native tongue, but even more sing in English. After all, will people who are not from Belarus enjoy a song entirely in Belarusian? (Yeah, that’s a language.)

There’s no way to predict, but it’s a risk to sing in a language that most people won’t be able to sing along with.

Don't understand GIF

Via tumblr.com.

5. The previous year’s winner hosts the contest. And it will be a 2-hour-long tourism commercial for said country.

…And I guess it kinda works. After all, who could place Azerbaijan on a map before they hosted in 2012?

azerbaijan location

I’ll save you the google.

(Azerbaijan won for this in 2011.)

6. Ireland is the best, period, game over. At a grandiose 7, Ireland comes first in number of Eurovision wins. And they will not let you forget it.

But, underneath that cocky air, they’re beginning to tremble. They haven’t won since 1996! (With this Galadriel-esque girl.)

My Irish friends theorize the dry spell is because 1996 was the last time Ireland could afford to win. An effect of the Celtic Tiger you didn’t expect, huh?

Much like hosting the Olympics, hosting the Eurovision the year after winning is hella expensive! So, like in most sports, you can just throw the game! This is such a popular theory on Ireland’s losing streak that there’s even a “Father Ted” episode about it.

Ted’s song is chosen to represent Ireland in the Eurovision, so that they will not win. Check out Ted’s entry about a lovely horse here.

Father Ted Eurovision

Via sophieduffy.wordpress.com.

Anyway, conspiracy theories aside, I can’t wait for the Eurovision semifinals tonight or the finals on Saturday!

I’m not going to lie to you, my trusted readers. I did, indeed, spend the last hour (or two or three) YouTubing past Eurovision entries.

So I’ll leave you with my favorite: the 2009 winner, from Norway. Click here to see a guy sing and dance around while playing the violin!

Annie Cosby

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  1. The Olympics is a joke compared to the Eurovision.

  2. I love your photos/clips…and I suppose I will watch some of it (like everyone else).

  3. I agree with you…who knew Turkey is in Europe…next thing you know they’ll be saying tomato is a fruit. Quick story: Last night had dinner with visiting Irish third(?) cousins from Donegal and guess what…they too have heard of the Eastern voting block’s successin skewing results. And for the record, I, too, believe only love survives…also…doesn Notannie KNOW what the Olympics is?

    • There is a lot of arguing over whether those eastern countries “are even in Europe!” But that’s just the bitterness of losing talking. The Irish were more than appalled this year when their supposed “friend” and neighbor, the UK, gave them ONE lousy point. There was no end to the cussing in our sitting room!

  4. Anonymous says:

    That is your favorite act because that lead singer is so adorable!

  5. Hey…what’s with the grudge against “Euphoria?” Just watched it and it’s cool…especially the guy who comes out of nowhere and kicks his leg over her head….

    • I have nothing against the song. It was just the surprise of watching your boyfriend get so absolutely giddy over the song. 😛 Plenty of good Eurovision songs this year, too!

  6. I always spent my half an hour to read this weblog’s articles or reviews daily along with a cup of coffee.

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